Prince Chad

boyz boyz boyz (i promise)

2009-04-25T00:30:00.000-07:00

4 years later and im still having boy issues. The issues have clearly changed but they are still there. I have this in side joke with one of my good friends rachel that all my friends have serous boy issues ... but i guess i am included in that.

So here is the up date. I just recently moved to San Diego and I live in an apartment with my long time bestie Dani. I have just been working, going out and meet new boyz.

So my real story begins the first night i move here. Dani and I move in to our new apartment and decided to invite our old friend John over. He wants to invite a boy he meet online over, Willie. Im a little uneasy about b.c it is just wierd and i just i got here. But we are just like its what ever lets party in the empty apartment.

So we are partying and we hear a knock at the front door. John answers it and the best looking guy i have ever seen in my life walks in. He has light eyes a carmel colored skin complexion almost similar to mine, and big bouncy curly hair. I am in total amazement.

I try to hide how im totally in aw of this boy. I even just try to ignore him in order not to look like a fool in front of him. But when i go out side for a cig. he follows me out there and ask for one too. So i am kindda forced to talk to him. The connection for me was instant.

It is clear John and him are not into each other and John gives me the green light with him, but i am scared b.c if he rejects me it will crush me.

The next day he calls me to go out with him and his friends and he ends up at my house that night. Then the next day i dont hear from him but i play it off as it is what ever. The next day after that we meet up again and we end up hooking up. I told him i didnt want to have sex b.c i want something more than just meaningless sex. To this day it is the worst decision i think i have ever made. So over the next 2 weeks i start to really fall for him and not just the sexual aspects of the relationship.

Well things start to cool off and we decide to be friends b.c he wants to move to AZ. Im so crushed b.c i still really like him and i cant at this point really control these crazy feelings i am having for him. I try to play it cool.

Well last tuesday we go out. He picks me up and he has this other dude he use to talk to with him. Im like it is ok bc we are just friends. I still cant really handle it b.c i am just so crazy head over heels for him. I start to drink alot more than i normally do. I find this guy that is into me to start buying my drinks. So he starts with one drink then another ... then a shot ... then a drink ... then a shot ... then another shot ... then another drink. This is already ont he 3 drinks i already bought and the shot i took with the "other" guy.

I wake up and i have no idea where i am. I am in a hotel bathroom throwing up and i dont remember how i got there or where i was. I FREAK out. I notice all my clothes are off. It is clear to me though i havent had sex though. I walk out the bathroom and there is the man that was buying me drinks and a camera tri-pod set up. I freak out again and knock it over hoping to break it and grab my clothes and run out.

I kinda reconize the area and walk around til i figure out the way back to the club. Willie and that guy are out side, the club is completely shut down. And he is yelling at me to get in the car. He starts to yell at me. Everything is kinda blurry after that about what we fighting about. I was scared and terrified and now just getting angry.

I remember next getting to my house and willie in my face yelling at me ... then hitting me ... then us rolling around fighting ... then i just walked up to my apartment.

I havent talk to him since. Im just soooo upset that i put so must trust in him and i feel like fool. He wasnt even concerned with me the whole night. When i went out with my friends in dc we looked out for each other so things like this wouldnt happen. Then he hit me. Im so over guys. I feel ashamed, broken, and hurt. How could i have let that guy do that to me or let willie do that to me.

I need to regain that strength i had back in 2005. How did i become this person ... and it is crazy i can see the slide throw these blogs even.

boys are boys and they do not make me who i am. I think i am just starting to really learn this lesson again. I can no longer be that person.

Next time i blog i promise to be that person. Ill talk about my love for myself and my personal growth.

i promise

dark day (in detail)

2008-07-28T20:46:00.000-07:00

Today was hard. It was a day of pure depression, like one of those real i want to kill myself depressions. For no real reason i was ready for it all to end. I realized that i was unravialing quick and i wasnt liking it.
I woke 2 hours too early by alarm clock, I hit snooze. No less than 20 mins later i was awaken again, then again and again, until i finial began to sleep over it. My shoulder hurt from sleeping on it. For the next hour I tossed and turned tring to configure a relaxing and comfortable way to sleep around the pain that was rushing throw my shoulder. My parents were out of time so i decided to sleep on thier bed. It was unusually firm. I guess my parents preferred firm matresses.
Once i finially decided that i could no longer sleep with out being late to work i got up. My should still in pain, i got in to the shower. I felt like falling asleep standing up in the shower, instead i lather my hair with my moms friends shampoo. I am piticular about my shampoos but i ran out the week be4 she stayed a couple of nights with us and was in a bind. the shampoo actually felt nice but made my hair too soft, which i dont like.
Due to the extreme curliness of my hair i get really bad razor burn and ingrown hairs, so i have be very careful when i shave, and the process starts in the shower. Usually i begin the process by soaking my face and beard in extremely hot water to in the shower to soften my beard repeitadly. I then wash my face with an amazing face wash by Lab Series, Power Wash. I then get out of the shower and put a conditioning shave gel by Jack Black, Beard Lube, on as a shave cream and shave then use their cooling after shave gel. The next 2 steps are very important. I then use the Anthonys Logistic toner pads. I love these only for the simple fact that they are so convent, cotton pads presoaked in toner is only genuis. Then the key is the jack black 3 n 1 clear complexion solution b.c it has sysilic acid in it. Sysilic acid has totaly changed my face, it helps fight the bacteria that cuase the irritation on my face and takes off a layer of my skin, which releases my ingrown hairs. Then of course moisturizer with an spf. But today my water wasnt hot enough
My room is a mess, i cant find anything to wear. I go back and forth between my black botton down and a white one. I usually corridate my outfit around which sweater i want to wear that day. I hadnt worn my gray cardigan in weeks so i decided on that one. I bought from H&M right be4 i started my job 8 months ago and it was beginng to tear from cheap quality. i decided on the white with a maroon tie and plaid pant.
As i am walking out the door i see the bus fly by. This is ok for the only reason that it is rush hour in the morning and the bus runs every 15 mins and it gives me time to smoke a cig. and get my ipod and stuff ready to get on the bus. At the stop their is 2 women, one with a small infant and stroller. I always look up to young mothers that never let anything hold them back, or blame a kid for bad choices she may have made in the past. I make sure she is the first on the bus to get a good seat with enough room for her, her son and the shroller.
I get to work as early 15mins early which always happens. I cant clock in until 5 mins before my shift or we get penalized, so this left me with enough time to feel ackward but not enough to do anything with it. So i just start my opening activities and decided to clock in when the appropiate time is. I get so busy really doing nothing i forget to clock in so i end up clocking in late for being early to work.
I hate work. I work at a department store in a deparment full of catty old ladies that hate him. Comission brings out the inner mean girl in everyone. I was moved from my orginal position when my main manger was bullied by my counter manger to move me b.c i was cutting into her sales. I hate my new position. Their is this one old trash fat lady that has build her career on medicority success with in the store. she believes i will cut into her sales so she is just a complete cunt to me. We were friends be4 i went to work with her but now battle lines have been drawn and a war has begun. War of sneaky caddiness, and back stabbing at any chance u get with out looking evil. So she has a beloved binder i have dubbed the trapper keeper, it is off limits to anyone, so for the soul purpose of pissing her off i threw it on the floor and work where it was, like there wasnt any other room anywhere else. I of course created a fire. One point for me.
I usually take smoke with my friend donald but i hadnt had that much interaction with him since i moved to a different deparment and his sick leave. I had took one break with him a couple of days ago and he was explain how sick he had been and his weight loss. Today i realized how bad it was. He is very tall, around 6"2 but only 150, but today when he took off his freshly strached blue blazer he looked around 120. I was scared of thin he was and it affected me in wierd way. I was scared not for my safty but his. His eyes were sucken in and u could visably see his cheeck bones. His chest was almost gone and im sure if the shirt was smaller you could see his ribbs clearly and maybe vidal organs too. I could see his pin thin legs through his pants and the were no bigger than a can of chef boyar'd. It completely frightened me.
The day be4 i had been approved for a car loan on line and was instructed to go the dealership after work. So i obligied. A man picked me up from the metro in the nicest gmc i had ever been in. When he backed up the gps turned in to moniter that showed everything behind him. I was impressed. His name was Dave, same as my father. He drove me to the dealership. I had been preapproved for 25000 but he said he wanted to run my credit again. After informing me that he probly wanted 2000 down payment i was flabbergasted. He didnt like my probly not inresponse to his "is that possible" question. I then took the back burner as he helped a young couple who looked like they had their act together.
What makes this extremely embrassing is that fact that I never get attention when i want it but when ever im n cognito i always get the most. It seems like every grown women in the dealership wanted a turn to talk to funny fag. So of course to keep in good regurds with the straights i played the flamboyant boi that girls love. This usually gets me free drinks at the straight bar with girl bar tenders. A little secret i have learned is that the way girl play guys for drink we gays can play straight girls. I usually open to the bar tender with a "can i get 2 lindsay lohans" and when they look dumb founded i say " 2 red headed sluts shot" and they eat that shit up. I use my gay charm anytime a possible freeby is on the table. These women though loved me and i couldnt get them out of my hair. The man rushed me off b.c he knew i wasnt going to be approved for a car. As i am leaving all the women are like where are u going, what happen ... and i hold my head in shame.
At thid point i just want to get drunk or high, ANYTHING. All my friends now have babies,a nd it isnt easy for them to break away. One was feeding her child then putting it down for the night, and another was having mom play date with my other friend. My only friend with out a baby is the most selfish girl in the world and wouldnt even consider picking up the phone unless she felt she had something gain ... with a man. so i go home depressed.
I get there and all i want to do is talk to my "boyfriend". He has been ignoring my phone call for about a week. He lives in texas and would rather drink 10 oz of chlorine than live with me. I call back to back 17 times and he doesnt answer. I get this vague text message like im sick call u tomorrow.
At this point in the day i just want to die. Sucide crosses my heads. Cutting my wrist, uum to painful. Maybe throwing my self in frot of a car, but poor persons car would be fucked up. Maybe just lock myself int he garage and start the car let the fumes kill me, but i wasnt approved for the sucide car. Nothing is working out.
You maybe like, none of this is worth killing yourself. The only thing is that every little thing builds to one big thing. Until i am soo stressed, lonely and sucidal. My only goal as a kid was to move out of parents house and i had finally done that and now i am back trapped. i hate my job, i hate my life, i hate my boyfriend and friends. I am alone. Thats how feel, alone, unworthy, unattractive, and a loser.
So i decided since i do not have the balls to kill my self i will just get pissy drunk in my house alone. The 7-11 is up the street so i walk. As i am walking up to the the quick service mark an older lady aproaches me and ask for 75 cents, i only have 30, so i tell her i will be back. I go in and buy as much cheap booze as i can. I come out and give her a dollar. And this is where i begin to truely cry inside. She ask me if i wanted to buy her bracelet or if i knew guys who would want her to do them a favor 15 dollars. I looked at this women who was so high that there was no way she could have known what she was doing. This women may have saved my life by ruining hers. Her eyes were glazed and almost souless. I was torn, do i just give her the money to get high or not so she wouldnt. If i dont who knows what she will do to get it. If i do i am incouraging her. I tell her to be save and walk away.
My heart is broken.
I still feel so alone though. I comteplate if i would end up a junky too. I get in the house and make my first drink and half way throw i get a call. It is a boy i gave up hope on as a possible new one. We talk but i make it short b.c i dont want to seem pressed b.c he ignored my text 3 days be4. I looked up and thought that maybe my love life isnt over. Maybe my there is a new door to be open.
"I sit outside and smoke a cig. and i get so bored i decided to play a song on my phone. I havent actually listent to one of the songs so i play it. I am deeply touched but the lines that are like ..
Took a ride to the end of the lineWhere no one ever goes.Ended up on a broken train with nobody I know.But the pain and the (longings) the same.(Where the dyingNow I'm lost and I'm screaming for help.)Relax, take it easyFor there is nothing that we can do.Relax, take it easyBlame it on me or blame it on you.It's as if I'm scared.It's as if I'm terrified.It's as if I scared.It's as if I'm playing with fire"
And it spoke to me. It is wierd how so many little things build up and just completley bring u under. It is also crazy how if u listen to the signs of the world it will telling u it is all ok. The women who i felt compassion for, the excitement of a new possible love affiar, or the insight lyrics of simple song, may have saved my life. While i still feel like shit and know my life is in deed crubling around me, i look the brighter side and reay to face my fears and dreams. Pick me apart piece by piece world but i will live in my own light to endore more.

its as if im scared, its as if im terrified its as if im playing with fire!

this is me today

2007-10-06T12:53:00.000-07:00

So i moved back home from Orlando and i have to admit it is a huge dent in my pride. I was doing so well on my own. I mean yeah there were some really hard times for sure and i made some really really really bad decisions but at least i was doing it all on my own. I made a huge mistake when i let this girl from back home move in with me and we upgraded our apartment to a 2 bedroom. She worked one month and then wanted to move home. So i kinda got screwed over with all my bills and i was forced to move back home too. I had finally broke up with my ex boyfriend and i was seeing this new guy "j" . I could have moved in with but i had already done the whole live in boyfriend thing and i was too scared of making yet again another horrible desision so i just went home.
Today i have realized that i am sooooo insecure and it runs sooo deep in me and controls almost everything i do. I have major issues with men and my relationships with them. I never trusted my ex "g" the one i talked about in my last blog b.c i have never trusted any guys. I grew up with a distant father and thats how i base all my male - male relationships. sometimes my father would come and not even aknoledge me. It makes me feel like maybe i am not even good enough to say hi to. He never ever really talked to me that much and i find it hard to communicate with guys striaght gay and everything inbetween. I remember when my first found out i was gay then yelled at me. We went to disney world and i got in to an arguement with my father on the way home and he called me a faggot and i had been called that be4 but coming from him, someone who i looked up to so much and it hurt so deep i still choke up when i think about. and i think that is one reason i moved to orlando to regain what i had lost there. After that moment i was never close to my family again. That summer i began to drink and party spend the night out to get away. My dad would always say little things that would be offensive and i felt i deserve them. He wasnt a monster but i was just looking validation from him that i never got.
I think another pivoital moment in my life is when i discovered that my dad in fact wsnt actually my dad. My parents had lied to me my whole life. The thing that hurts sooo much about that is not that he is not my real father but that my whole life i had been looking for vaidation from him, and that i always in the back of my mind still thought he loved me even though he didnt really show it, but then i thought just maybe he didnt. It was just so hard to have any faith in my parents i was just so angery and full of rage. I just wanted to get away. Thats why i moved to orlando to get as far from my parents as possible.
Me, today, is broken, insecure and afrried of rejection. This is honest. I was the club the other day and i tried to dance with this guy and he told me no and i almost broke down right there in middle of the club and started to cry. I was suppose to meet this guy yesterday and his friends i went all the way there and even saw them up the street and i turned around b.c i felt this pain in my stomach and i could stop from shaking b.c i was so nerouse they would hate me or think the worst of me ... so i went home. Some times i dont think i am worth being liked by anyone.
I dont blame my parents anymore though and im not angry anymore, i'm just sad and i feel alone in this world.

that is me today

2 years later

2007-03-26T17:59:00.000-07:00

so i totally forgot about this blog ... 2 years later i google my self and find this blog. i reread it and remembered that day, IT WAS CRAZY!!!lol ... alot has changed since the blog. I now live in orlando and i am going to school for fashion design. Back then life was so choatic. It was one drunk night after the next. Im glade i got away ... most people don't.

today i went to work. But it was hard to focus on anything b.c my boyfriend and i have been in the middle of a break up. we want to stay togather but we fight like cats and dogs and we do not listen to each other. i so hard break away from each other. Its kinda funny i was talking about finding love 2 years ago and now i am talking about letting love go. anyways my boyfriend is so emontional and he is always depressed and i made a pact to myself when i moved here that i was going to be happy and i refuse to let him make me unhappy. everyday is the worst day of his life and i hate that. he hates that everyday s a great day for me.

i promise to keep writing and tell more b.c your the only person listening ... lol

First blog!!!

2005-05-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

Thank you for coming to my blog ... This is my very first ... ~ which I decided to do after I heard so much about blogging. Well I guess I should tell u about my day ... I woke up this morning and I took my mom to work as I usually do at about 9am !!! then I came home and I signed online and talked to my friend jaquelle and we had a convo about what we thought love was and how we interpreted love. While I thought u can love anyone u are attracted to u just have to choice to make it work but she thought it was something that just happens. In my opinion that is a little fantasy world. I am not usually a person to need "love" and make that the center of if ... But today it became jus that. With the convo then while I was at work a co-work had brought this Chinese fortune teller thing and we were all asking it questions and I asked it about will I find someone soon, and it said I need to actively pursue a relation and that I need to be more aggressive about finding a relationship ... And that is so true b.c I have been lay'd back and try'n to have someone come to me ... I don't kno ... but then tonight I also went bowling with some people I knew from high school which was fun but weird