this is me today
So i moved back home from Orlando and i have to admit it is a huge dent in my pride. I was doing so well on my own. I mean yeah there were some really hard times for sure and i made some really really really bad decisions but at least i was doing it all on my own. I made a huge mistake when i let this girl from back home move in with me and we upgraded our apartment to a 2 bedroom. She worked one month and then wanted to move home. So i kinda got screwed over with all my bills and i was forced to move back home too. I had finally broke up with my ex boyfriend and i was seeing this new guy "j" . I could have moved in with but i had already done the whole live in boyfriend thing and i was too scared of making yet again another horrible desision so i just went home.
Today i have realized that i am sooooo insecure and it runs sooo deep in me and controls almost everything i do. I have major issues with men and my relationships with them. I never trusted my ex "g" the one i talked about in my last blog b.c i have never trusted any guys. I grew up with a distant father and thats how i base all my male - male relationships. sometimes my father would come and not even aknoledge me. It makes me feel like maybe i am not even good enough to say hi to. He never ever really talked to me that much and i find it hard to communicate with guys striaght gay and everything inbetween. I remember when my first found out i was gay then yelled at me. We went to disney world and i got in to an arguement with my father on the way home and he called me a faggot and i had been called that be4 but coming from him, someone who i looked up to so much and it hurt so deep i still choke up when i think about. and i think that is one reason i moved to orlando to regain what i had lost there. After that moment i was never close to my family again. That summer i began to drink and party spend the night out to get away. My dad would always say little things that would be offensive and i felt i deserve them. He wasnt a monster but i was just looking validation from him that i never got.
I think another pivoital moment in my life is when i discovered that my dad in fact wsnt actually my dad. My parents had lied to me my whole life. The thing that hurts sooo much about that is not that he is not my real father but that my whole life i had been looking for vaidation from him, and that i always in the back of my mind still thought he loved me even though he didnt really show it, but then i thought just maybe he didnt. It was just so hard to have any faith in my parents i was just so angery and full of rage. I just wanted to get away. Thats why i moved to orlando to get as far from my parents as possible.
Me, today, is broken, insecure and afrried of rejection. This is honest. I was the club the other day and i tried to dance with this guy and he told me no and i almost broke down right there in middle of the club and started to cry. I was suppose to meet this guy yesterday and his friends i went all the way there and even saw them up the street and i turned around b.c i felt this pain in my stomach and i could stop from shaking b.c i was so nerouse they would hate me or think the worst of me ... so i went home. Some times i dont think i am worth being liked by anyone.
I dont blame my parents anymore though and im not angry anymore, i'm just sad and i feel alone in this world.
that is me today
Today i have realized that i am sooooo insecure and it runs sooo deep in me and controls almost everything i do. I have major issues with men and my relationships with them. I never trusted my ex "g" the one i talked about in my last blog b.c i have never trusted any guys. I grew up with a distant father and thats how i base all my male - male relationships. sometimes my father would come and not even aknoledge me. It makes me feel like maybe i am not even good enough to say hi to. He never ever really talked to me that much and i find it hard to communicate with guys striaght gay and everything inbetween. I remember when my first found out i was gay then yelled at me. We went to disney world and i got in to an arguement with my father on the way home and he called me a faggot and i had been called that be4 but coming from him, someone who i looked up to so much and it hurt so deep i still choke up when i think about. and i think that is one reason i moved to orlando to regain what i had lost there. After that moment i was never close to my family again. That summer i began to drink and party spend the night out to get away. My dad would always say little things that would be offensive and i felt i deserve them. He wasnt a monster but i was just looking validation from him that i never got.
I think another pivoital moment in my life is when i discovered that my dad in fact wsnt actually my dad. My parents had lied to me my whole life. The thing that hurts sooo much about that is not that he is not my real father but that my whole life i had been looking for vaidation from him, and that i always in the back of my mind still thought he loved me even though he didnt really show it, but then i thought just maybe he didnt. It was just so hard to have any faith in my parents i was just so angery and full of rage. I just wanted to get away. Thats why i moved to orlando to get as far from my parents as possible.
Me, today, is broken, insecure and afrried of rejection. This is honest. I was the club the other day and i tried to dance with this guy and he told me no and i almost broke down right there in middle of the club and started to cry. I was suppose to meet this guy yesterday and his friends i went all the way there and even saw them up the street and i turned around b.c i felt this pain in my stomach and i could stop from shaking b.c i was so nerouse they would hate me or think the worst of me ... so i went home. Some times i dont think i am worth being liked by anyone.
I dont blame my parents anymore though and im not angry anymore, i'm just sad and i feel alone in this world.
that is me today
posted by *~Prince Chad~* at 12:53 PM
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