boyz boyz boyz (i promise)

4 years later and im still having boy issues. The issues have clearly changed but they are still there. I have this in side joke with one of my good friends rachel that all my friends have serous boy issues ... but i guess i am included in that. 

So here is the up date. I just recently moved to San Diego and I live in an apartment with my long time bestie Dani. I have just been working, going out and meet new boyz. 

So my real story begins the first night i move here. Dani and I move in to our new apartment and decided to invite our old friend John over. He wants to invite a boy he meet online over, Willie. Im a little uneasy about b.c it is just wierd and i just i got here. But we are just like its what ever lets party in the empty apartment. 

So we are partying and we hear a knock at the front door. John answers it and the best looking guy i have ever seen in my life walks in. He has light eyes a carmel colored skin complexion almost similar to mine, and big bouncy curly hair. I am in total amazement. 

I try to hide how im totally in aw of this boy. I even just try to ignore him in order not to look like a fool in front of him. But when i go out side for a cig. he follows me out there and ask for one too. So i am kindda forced to talk to him. The connection for me was instant. 

It is clear John and him are not into each other and John gives me the green light with him, but i am scared b.c if he rejects me it will crush me. 

The next day he calls me to go out with him and his friends and he ends up at my house that night. Then the next day i dont hear from him but i play it off as it is what ever. The next day after that we meet up again and we end up hooking up. I told him i didnt want to have sex b.c i want something more than just meaningless sex. To this day it is the worst decision i think i have ever made. So over the next 2 weeks i start to really fall for him and not just the sexual aspects of the relationship. 

Well things start to cool off and we decide to be friends b.c he wants to move to AZ. Im so crushed b.c i still really like him and i cant at this point really control these crazy feelings i am having for him. I try to play it cool. 

Well last tuesday we go out. He picks me up and he has this other dude he use to talk to with him. Im like it is ok bc we are just friends. I still cant really handle it b.c i am just so crazy head over heels for him. I start to drink alot more than i normally do. I find this guy that is into me to start buying my drinks. So he starts with one drink then another ... then a shot ... then a drink ... then a shot ... then another shot ... then another drink. This is already ont he 3 drinks i already bought and the shot i took with the "other" guy. 

I wake up and i have no idea where i am. I am in a hotel bathroom throwing up and i dont remember how i got there or where  i was. I FREAK out. I notice all my clothes are off. It is clear to me though i havent had sex though. I walk out the bathroom and there is the man that was buying me drinks and a camera tri-pod set up. I freak out again and knock it over hoping to break it and grab my clothes and run out. 

I kinda reconize the area and walk around til i figure out the way back to the club. Willie and that guy are out side, the club is completely shut down. And he is yelling at me to get in the car. He starts to yell at me. Everything is kinda blurry after that about what we fighting about. I was scared and terrified and now just getting angry. 

I remember next getting to my house and willie in my face yelling at me ... then hitting me ... then us rolling around fighting ... then i just walked up to my apartment. 

I havent talk to him since. Im just soooo upset that i put so must trust in him and i feel like fool. He wasnt even concerned with me the whole night. When i went out with my friends in dc we looked out for each other so things like this wouldnt happen. Then he hit me. Im so over guys. I feel ashamed, broken, and hurt. How could i have let that guy do that to me or let willie do that to me. 

I need to regain that strength i had back in 2005. How did i become this person ... and it is crazy i can see the slide throw these blogs even. 

boys are boys and they do not make me who i am. I think i am just starting to really learn this lesson again. I can no longer be that person. 

Next time i blog i promise to be that person. Ill talk about my love for myself and my personal growth. 

i promise