dark day (in detail)
Today was hard. It was a day of pure depression, like one of those real i want to kill myself depressions. For no real reason i was ready for it all to end. I realized that i was unravialing quick and i wasnt liking it.
I woke 2 hours too early by alarm clock, I hit snooze. No less than 20 mins later i was awaken again, then again and again, until i finial began to sleep over it. My shoulder hurt from sleeping on it. For the next hour I tossed and turned tring to configure a relaxing and comfortable way to sleep around the pain that was rushing throw my shoulder. My parents were out of time so i decided to sleep on thier bed. It was unusually firm. I guess my parents preferred firm matresses.
Once i finially decided that i could no longer sleep with out being late to work i got up. My should still in pain, i got in to the shower. I felt like falling asleep standing up in the shower, instead i lather my hair with my moms friends shampoo. I am piticular about my shampoos but i ran out the week be4 she stayed a couple of nights with us and was in a bind. the shampoo actually felt nice but made my hair too soft, which i dont like.
Due to the extreme curliness of my hair i get really bad razor burn and ingrown hairs, so i have be very careful when i shave, and the process starts in the shower. Usually i begin the process by soaking my face and beard in extremely hot water to in the shower to soften my beard repeitadly. I then wash my face with an amazing face wash by Lab Series, Power Wash. I then get out of the shower and put a conditioning shave gel by Jack Black, Beard Lube, on as a shave cream and shave then use their cooling after shave gel. The next 2 steps are very important. I then use the Anthonys Logistic toner pads. I love these only for the simple fact that they are so convent, cotton pads presoaked in toner is only genuis. Then the key is the jack black 3 n 1 clear complexion solution b.c it has sysilic acid in it. Sysilic acid has totaly changed my face, it helps fight the bacteria that cuase the irritation on my face and takes off a layer of my skin, which releases my ingrown hairs. Then of course moisturizer with an spf. But today my water wasnt hot enough
My room is a mess, i cant find anything to wear. I go back and forth between my black botton down and a white one. I usually corridate my outfit around which sweater i want to wear that day. I hadnt worn my gray cardigan in weeks so i decided on that one. I bought from H&M right be4 i started my job 8 months ago and it was beginng to tear from cheap quality. i decided on the white with a maroon tie and plaid pant.
As i am walking out the door i see the bus fly by. This is ok for the only reason that it is rush hour in the morning and the bus runs every 15 mins and it gives me time to smoke a cig. and get my ipod and stuff ready to get on the bus. At the stop their is 2 women, one with a small infant and stroller. I always look up to young mothers that never let anything hold them back, or blame a kid for bad choices she may have made in the past. I make sure she is the first on the bus to get a good seat with enough room for her, her son and the shroller.
I get to work as early 15mins early which always happens. I cant clock in until 5 mins before my shift or we get penalized, so this left me with enough time to feel ackward but not enough to do anything with it. So i just start my opening activities and decided to clock in when the appropiate time is. I get so busy really doing nothing i forget to clock in so i end up clocking in late for being early to work.
I hate work. I work at a department store in a deparment full of catty old ladies that hate him. Comission brings out the inner mean girl in everyone. I was moved from my orginal position when my main manger was bullied by my counter manger to move me b.c i was cutting into her sales. I hate my new position. Their is this one old trash fat lady that has build her career on medicority success with in the store. she believes i will cut into her sales so she is just a complete cunt to me. We were friends be4 i went to work with her but now battle lines have been drawn and a war has begun. War of sneaky caddiness, and back stabbing at any chance u get with out looking evil. So she has a beloved binder i have dubbed the trapper keeper, it is off limits to anyone, so for the soul purpose of pissing her off i threw it on the floor and work where it was, like there wasnt any other room anywhere else. I of course created a fire. One point for me.
I usually take smoke with my friend donald but i hadnt had that much interaction with him since i moved to a different deparment and his sick leave. I had took one break with him a couple of days ago and he was explain how sick he had been and his weight loss. Today i realized how bad it was. He is very tall, around 6"2 but only 150, but today when he took off his freshly strached blue blazer he looked around 120. I was scared of thin he was and it affected me in wierd way. I was scared not for my safty but his. His eyes were sucken in and u could visably see his cheeck bones. His chest was almost gone and im sure if the shirt was smaller you could see his ribbs clearly and maybe vidal organs too. I could see his pin thin legs through his pants and the were no bigger than a can of chef boyar'd. It completely frightened me.
The day be4 i had been approved for a car loan on line and was instructed to go the dealership after work. So i obligied. A man picked me up from the metro in the nicest gmc i had ever been in. When he backed up the gps turned in to moniter that showed everything behind him. I was impressed. His name was Dave, same as my father. He drove me to the dealership. I had been preapproved for 25000 but he said he wanted to run my credit again. After informing me that he probly wanted 2000 down payment i was flabbergasted. He didnt like my probly not inresponse to his "is that possible" question. I then took the back burner as he helped a young couple who looked like they had their act together.
What makes this extremely embrassing is that fact that I never get attention when i want it but when ever im n cognito i always get the most. It seems like every grown women in the dealership wanted a turn to talk to funny fag. So of course to keep in good regurds with the straights i played the flamboyant boi that girls love. This usually gets me free drinks at the straight bar with girl bar tenders. A little secret i have learned is that the way girl play guys for drink we gays can play straight girls. I usually open to the bar tender with a "can i get 2 lindsay lohans" and when they look dumb founded i say " 2 red headed sluts shot" and they eat that shit up. I use my gay charm anytime a possible freeby is on the table. These women though loved me and i couldnt get them out of my hair. The man rushed me off b.c he knew i wasnt going to be approved for a car. As i am leaving all the women are like where are u going, what happen ... and i hold my head in shame.
At thid point i just want to get drunk or high, ANYTHING. All my friends now have babies,a nd it isnt easy for them to break away. One was feeding her child then putting it down for the night, and another was having mom play date with my other friend. My only friend with out a baby is the most selfish girl in the world and wouldnt even consider picking up the phone unless she felt she had something gain ... with a man. so i go home depressed.
I get there and all i want to do is talk to my "boyfriend". He has been ignoring my phone call for about a week. He lives in texas and would rather drink 10 oz of chlorine than live with me. I call back to back 17 times and he doesnt answer. I get this vague text message like im sick call u tomorrow.
At this point in the day i just want to die. Sucide crosses my heads. Cutting my wrist, uum to painful. Maybe throwing my self in frot of a car, but poor persons car would be fucked up. Maybe just lock myself int he garage and start the car let the fumes kill me, but i wasnt approved for the sucide car. Nothing is working out.
You maybe like, none of this is worth killing yourself. The only thing is that every little thing builds to one big thing. Until i am soo stressed, lonely and sucidal. My only goal as a kid was to move out of parents house and i had finally done that and now i am back trapped. i hate my job, i hate my life, i hate my boyfriend and friends. I am alone. Thats how feel, alone, unworthy, unattractive, and a loser.
So i decided since i do not have the balls to kill my self i will just get pissy drunk in my house alone. The 7-11 is up the street so i walk. As i am walking up to the the quick service mark an older lady aproaches me and ask for 75 cents, i only have 30, so i tell her i will be back. I go in and buy as much cheap booze as i can. I come out and give her a dollar. And this is where i begin to truely cry inside. She ask me if i wanted to buy her bracelet or if i knew guys who would want her to do them a favor 15 dollars. I looked at this women who was so high that there was no way she could have known what she was doing. This women may have saved my life by ruining hers. Her eyes were glazed and almost souless. I was torn, do i just give her the money to get high or not so she wouldnt. If i dont who knows what she will do to get it. If i do i am incouraging her. I tell her to be save and walk away.
My heart is broken.
I still feel so alone though. I comteplate if i would end up a junky too. I get in the house and make my first drink and half way throw i get a call. It is a boy i gave up hope on as a possible new one. We talk but i make it short b.c i dont want to seem pressed b.c he ignored my text 3 days be4. I looked up and thought that maybe my love life isnt over. Maybe my there is a new door to be open.
"I sit outside and smoke a cig. and i get so bored i decided to play a song on my phone. I havent actually listent to one of the songs so i play it. I am deeply touched but the lines that are like ..
Took a ride to the end of the lineWhere no one ever goes.Ended up on a broken train with nobody I know.But the pain and the (longings) the same.(Where the dyingNow I'm lost and I'm screaming for help.)Relax, take it easyFor there is nothing that we can do.Relax, take it easyBlame it on me or blame it on you.It's as if I'm scared.It's as if I'm terrified.It's as if I scared.It's as if I'm playing with fire"
And it spoke to me. It is wierd how so many little things build up and just completley bring u under. It is also crazy how if u listen to the signs of the world it will telling u it is all ok. The women who i felt compassion for, the excitement of a new possible love affiar, or the insight lyrics of simple song, may have saved my life. While i still feel like shit and know my life is in deed crubling around me, i look the brighter side and reay to face my fears and dreams. Pick me apart piece by piece world but i will live in my own light to endore more.
its as if im scared, its as if im terrified its as if im playing with fire!
I woke 2 hours too early by alarm clock, I hit snooze. No less than 20 mins later i was awaken again, then again and again, until i finial began to sleep over it. My shoulder hurt from sleeping on it. For the next hour I tossed and turned tring to configure a relaxing and comfortable way to sleep around the pain that was rushing throw my shoulder. My parents were out of time so i decided to sleep on thier bed. It was unusually firm. I guess my parents preferred firm matresses.
Once i finially decided that i could no longer sleep with out being late to work i got up. My should still in pain, i got in to the shower. I felt like falling asleep standing up in the shower, instead i lather my hair with my moms friends shampoo. I am piticular about my shampoos but i ran out the week be4 she stayed a couple of nights with us and was in a bind. the shampoo actually felt nice but made my hair too soft, which i dont like.
Due to the extreme curliness of my hair i get really bad razor burn and ingrown hairs, so i have be very careful when i shave, and the process starts in the shower. Usually i begin the process by soaking my face and beard in extremely hot water to in the shower to soften my beard repeitadly. I then wash my face with an amazing face wash by Lab Series, Power Wash. I then get out of the shower and put a conditioning shave gel by Jack Black, Beard Lube, on as a shave cream and shave then use their cooling after shave gel. The next 2 steps are very important. I then use the Anthonys Logistic toner pads. I love these only for the simple fact that they are so convent, cotton pads presoaked in toner is only genuis. Then the key is the jack black 3 n 1 clear complexion solution b.c it has sysilic acid in it. Sysilic acid has totaly changed my face, it helps fight the bacteria that cuase the irritation on my face and takes off a layer of my skin, which releases my ingrown hairs. Then of course moisturizer with an spf. But today my water wasnt hot enough
My room is a mess, i cant find anything to wear. I go back and forth between my black botton down and a white one. I usually corridate my outfit around which sweater i want to wear that day. I hadnt worn my gray cardigan in weeks so i decided on that one. I bought from H&M right be4 i started my job 8 months ago and it was beginng to tear from cheap quality. i decided on the white with a maroon tie and plaid pant.
As i am walking out the door i see the bus fly by. This is ok for the only reason that it is rush hour in the morning and the bus runs every 15 mins and it gives me time to smoke a cig. and get my ipod and stuff ready to get on the bus. At the stop their is 2 women, one with a small infant and stroller. I always look up to young mothers that never let anything hold them back, or blame a kid for bad choices she may have made in the past. I make sure she is the first on the bus to get a good seat with enough room for her, her son and the shroller.
I get to work as early 15mins early which always happens. I cant clock in until 5 mins before my shift or we get penalized, so this left me with enough time to feel ackward but not enough to do anything with it. So i just start my opening activities and decided to clock in when the appropiate time is. I get so busy really doing nothing i forget to clock in so i end up clocking in late for being early to work.
I hate work. I work at a department store in a deparment full of catty old ladies that hate him. Comission brings out the inner mean girl in everyone. I was moved from my orginal position when my main manger was bullied by my counter manger to move me b.c i was cutting into her sales. I hate my new position. Their is this one old trash fat lady that has build her career on medicority success with in the store. she believes i will cut into her sales so she is just a complete cunt to me. We were friends be4 i went to work with her but now battle lines have been drawn and a war has begun. War of sneaky caddiness, and back stabbing at any chance u get with out looking evil. So she has a beloved binder i have dubbed the trapper keeper, it is off limits to anyone, so for the soul purpose of pissing her off i threw it on the floor and work where it was, like there wasnt any other room anywhere else. I of course created a fire. One point for me.
I usually take smoke with my friend donald but i hadnt had that much interaction with him since i moved to a different deparment and his sick leave. I had took one break with him a couple of days ago and he was explain how sick he had been and his weight loss. Today i realized how bad it was. He is very tall, around 6"2 but only 150, but today when he took off his freshly strached blue blazer he looked around 120. I was scared of thin he was and it affected me in wierd way. I was scared not for my safty but his. His eyes were sucken in and u could visably see his cheeck bones. His chest was almost gone and im sure if the shirt was smaller you could see his ribbs clearly and maybe vidal organs too. I could see his pin thin legs through his pants and the were no bigger than a can of chef boyar'd. It completely frightened me.
The day be4 i had been approved for a car loan on line and was instructed to go the dealership after work. So i obligied. A man picked me up from the metro in the nicest gmc i had ever been in. When he backed up the gps turned in to moniter that showed everything behind him. I was impressed. His name was Dave, same as my father. He drove me to the dealership. I had been preapproved for 25000 but he said he wanted to run my credit again. After informing me that he probly wanted 2000 down payment i was flabbergasted. He didnt like my probly not inresponse to his "is that possible" question. I then took the back burner as he helped a young couple who looked like they had their act together.
What makes this extremely embrassing is that fact that I never get attention when i want it but when ever im n cognito i always get the most. It seems like every grown women in the dealership wanted a turn to talk to funny fag. So of course to keep in good regurds with the straights i played the flamboyant boi that girls love. This usually gets me free drinks at the straight bar with girl bar tenders. A little secret i have learned is that the way girl play guys for drink we gays can play straight girls. I usually open to the bar tender with a "can i get 2 lindsay lohans" and when they look dumb founded i say " 2 red headed sluts shot" and they eat that shit up. I use my gay charm anytime a possible freeby is on the table. These women though loved me and i couldnt get them out of my hair. The man rushed me off b.c he knew i wasnt going to be approved for a car. As i am leaving all the women are like where are u going, what happen ... and i hold my head in shame.
At thid point i just want to get drunk or high, ANYTHING. All my friends now have babies,a nd it isnt easy for them to break away. One was feeding her child then putting it down for the night, and another was having mom play date with my other friend. My only friend with out a baby is the most selfish girl in the world and wouldnt even consider picking up the phone unless she felt she had something gain ... with a man. so i go home depressed.
I get there and all i want to do is talk to my "boyfriend". He has been ignoring my phone call for about a week. He lives in texas and would rather drink 10 oz of chlorine than live with me. I call back to back 17 times and he doesnt answer. I get this vague text message like im sick call u tomorrow.
At this point in the day i just want to die. Sucide crosses my heads. Cutting my wrist, uum to painful. Maybe throwing my self in frot of a car, but poor persons car would be fucked up. Maybe just lock myself int he garage and start the car let the fumes kill me, but i wasnt approved for the sucide car. Nothing is working out.
You maybe like, none of this is worth killing yourself. The only thing is that every little thing builds to one big thing. Until i am soo stressed, lonely and sucidal. My only goal as a kid was to move out of parents house and i had finally done that and now i am back trapped. i hate my job, i hate my life, i hate my boyfriend and friends. I am alone. Thats how feel, alone, unworthy, unattractive, and a loser.
So i decided since i do not have the balls to kill my self i will just get pissy drunk in my house alone. The 7-11 is up the street so i walk. As i am walking up to the the quick service mark an older lady aproaches me and ask for 75 cents, i only have 30, so i tell her i will be back. I go in and buy as much cheap booze as i can. I come out and give her a dollar. And this is where i begin to truely cry inside. She ask me if i wanted to buy her bracelet or if i knew guys who would want her to do them a favor 15 dollars. I looked at this women who was so high that there was no way she could have known what she was doing. This women may have saved my life by ruining hers. Her eyes were glazed and almost souless. I was torn, do i just give her the money to get high or not so she wouldnt. If i dont who knows what she will do to get it. If i do i am incouraging her. I tell her to be save and walk away.
My heart is broken.
I still feel so alone though. I comteplate if i would end up a junky too. I get in the house and make my first drink and half way throw i get a call. It is a boy i gave up hope on as a possible new one. We talk but i make it short b.c i dont want to seem pressed b.c he ignored my text 3 days be4. I looked up and thought that maybe my love life isnt over. Maybe my there is a new door to be open.
"I sit outside and smoke a cig. and i get so bored i decided to play a song on my phone. I havent actually listent to one of the songs so i play it. I am deeply touched but the lines that are like ..
Took a ride to the end of the lineWhere no one ever goes.Ended up on a broken train with nobody I know.But the pain and the (longings) the same.(Where the dyingNow I'm lost and I'm screaming for help.)Relax, take it easyFor there is nothing that we can do.Relax, take it easyBlame it on me or blame it on you.It's as if I'm scared.It's as if I'm terrified.It's as if I scared.It's as if I'm playing with fire"
And it spoke to me. It is wierd how so many little things build up and just completley bring u under. It is also crazy how if u listen to the signs of the world it will telling u it is all ok. The women who i felt compassion for, the excitement of a new possible love affiar, or the insight lyrics of simple song, may have saved my life. While i still feel like shit and know my life is in deed crubling around me, i look the brighter side and reay to face my fears and dreams. Pick me apart piece by piece world but i will live in my own light to endore more.
its as if im scared, its as if im terrified its as if im playing with fire!
Labels: depression
posted by *~Prince Chad~* at 8:46 PM
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